I'm crossposting this on SpaceHey and on my personal blog.
I had a quite okay day, I stayed in the sunlight for a while, baked a cake and it wad pretty good. I think that's about it.
Sometimes it's good to have a quiet day. I'd rather have every single day like this than have a mix of feelings every day.
For context, this is the text I was talking about on my last entry, I wrote this on the 21st of November this year, I almost attempted suicide today. I will also post a poem I wrote on the same day.
Could you believe that? Our favorite little guy has just attempted to put everything at risk! Little man was dealing with huge thoughts the whole morning, thinking it would go away - how innocent! Little did he know that they were only gonna grow bigger.
When the afternoon arrived, you’re not gonna believe what happened - he almost went to the bathroom and killed himself!! “Why would he do that?” You ask me; well, simply because he says he is too tired of living in a world he wasn’t built for! He says he’s too sensitive and can’t handle this world, but can we really believe that? Some would say he’s just being a baby about it, some others say he’s just too sensitive (but in a bad way). Well, it seems like we’re never going to know what actually goes through his mind! Stay in tune for more updates on Solenne.
I have almost killed myself
I have almost paid my debt
But I chose to stay instead
Matter of fact, think I’ll stay in bed.
I have almost killed myself
I thought it would have a different smell
Life is just discomfort to expel
My name is too hard to spell
I have almost killed myself
I almost stopped living as well
Nothing against my will
Killed myself with grills.
I haven’t been blogging a lot recently, that is due to me being constantly depressed and/or thinking about music and lyrics. Nothing much has been going on, except that I entered an immensely large emotional abyss and got out of it (I’ll talk about that later).
My best friends have distanced themselves from me in some sort of way, first one was about a month ago but we were already having some misunderstandings, and when he was gone I just reacted numbly to it. Second one was about a week ago; we were okay then one day he decided I wasn’t worth spending time with anymore, which is alright I guess (tho I miss out friendship, and I wish things were different). Third one is probably not actually distancing himself from me, but he’s just acting a bit more distant and siding with that last friend, but I feel like sooner or later he’ll drift away.
Now, regarding the emotional abyss, I had a couple terrible weeks in which I almost attempted to kill myself (I’ll post what I wrote about it in some other entry) but somehow managed to survive the urges. I was thinking really badly of myself in ways I don’t think I ever did before, could only see life in depressive lens, and every single day was thinking that there was no possibility of cure (I still believe that). Things changed tho, a couple days ago an old friend reached out to me and we’re becoming close again, and things are somewhat less depressive and possibly reaching a neutral position; but when I noticed things starting to get better, I got scared because I don’t know what having long-term positivity is like (for context, I have been dealing with emotional struggles ever since I was 10 years old, I’m 16 now). But after those recent happenings (friends drifting away), I noticed that I wasn’t gonna deal with positive, I simply wasn’t seeing life through depression.
I’m sure things will get depressive again, it always does. Oh well.
I already talked about Zoey before, I even recorded her a cover of Katie Don’t Be Depressed for whenever she feels down. I fell in love with her a couple days ago and I think I actually wanna make things right with her, I wanna try to get her to like me and maybe we can form a great bond. Surprisingly, I’m managing to create a solid friendship with her, and I think I’ll soon be able to develop things further.
I’m really impressed that despite me being mentally unwell, on-edge, and holding on to the very few threads in my mind, I still wanna get things to work; I’m still eager to get the satisfaction of living, I still want experiences and happiness. I’m still alive, and that is truly inspiring. I am still human, I’m still living.
That’s right, I met a girl and that is one of the worst things that could be happening to me at this moment.
Well, first I should be giving it some context. As I said on my last entry, I have entered an artistic journey and I am indeed making songs, I already got a couple in the works and I already posted a demo on my Reddit page; and a couple days ago, I was in a mental health Discord server and I met a girl, her name is Zoey, we both have really similar interests and we clicked almost instantly, we share similar views and problems and we both love to write and sing.
And how could this be bad to me, you ask me — well, for one I would have to postpone my suicide even further (it’s supposed to happen when I’m done with the album), and I’m gonna have to try and actually make her like me somehow, and I don’t even know if I should try considering I don’t know her in real life — and maybe I’m not capable of handling another person as for this moment. Anyways, I’m a little scared, but maybe I could try to turn those feelings into some music, which is obviously good.
A couple days ago I decided to enter an artistic journey, I decided that it’ll be my last breath or a last spark before my mind crumbles into nothing.
I will be writing around 11 songs, maybe around 12; I’m gonna experiment with a couple genres, try new sounds, and re-work songs I wrote in different eras of my life.
Why do I say it’s my last breath? Because as many of you know, I just recently came out of a suicidal crisis in which I was bad to the point of having anxiety attacks over the urge of ending it; and I figured that a similar (if not, worse) crisis will re-appear in my life, and possibly take me with it. So I decided to at least live a mark on whoever is near me to read my blogs and listen to my music, if I’m not gonna stick around for long, I might as well make sure my name gets remembered for a couple months or years id this world is too kind for my art.
I might be releasing under the name of Solenne, but if that changes I’ll be making an announcement here. My album might be called “fromdavid” in all lowercase, it’ll be trying to portray whichever ideas are in my head at any given moment, and I’ll try my best to make good music before my passing.
Good luck for me, I guess.
I've been a blogger for a couple months now on SpaceHey, and I always wanted to get my own blog spot, so I decided to go for it and I created a blogger page.
This here is not gonna be so different from my SpaceHey, I'll keep on talking about my life updates, how things affect me in positive and negative ways, how I visualize and analyze the world around me, and how things will either have a good or bad outcome.
Welcome to my Blogger profile or blogspot, I hope this is a new beginning/phase of David.