I haven’t been blogging a lot recently, that is due to me being constantly depressed and/or thinking about music and lyrics. Nothing much has been going on, except that I entered an immensely large emotional abyss and got out of it (I’ll talk about that later).
My best friends have distanced themselves from me in some sort of way, first one was about a month ago but we were already having some misunderstandings, and when he was gone I just reacted numbly to it. Second one was about a week ago; we were okay then one day he decided I wasn’t worth spending time with anymore, which is alright I guess (tho I miss out friendship, and I wish things were different). Third one is probably not actually distancing himself from me, but he’s just acting a bit more distant and siding with that last friend, but I feel like sooner or later he’ll drift away.
Now, regarding the emotional abyss, I had a couple terrible weeks in which I almost attempted to kill myself (I’ll post what I wrote about it in some other entry) but somehow managed to survive the urges. I was thinking really badly of myself in ways I don’t think I ever did before, could only see life in depressive lens, and every single day was thinking that there was no possibility of cure (I still believe that). Things changed tho, a couple days ago an old friend reached out to me and we’re becoming close again, and things are somewhat less depressive and possibly reaching a neutral position; but when I noticed things starting to get better, I got scared because I don’t know what having long-term positivity is like (for context, I have been dealing with emotional struggles ever since I was 10 years old, I’m 16 now). But after those recent happenings (friends drifting away), I noticed that I wasn’t gonna deal with positive, I simply wasn’t seeing life through depression.
I’m sure things will get depressive again, it always does. Oh well.
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